high school is so dumb it sucks


 Southern California rocks. I'm going to live here forever!


 everything's going to be alright, he's just like that on
sundays I finally figured that out! it's because of his childhood.
I'm moving to the mountains! Josh started baseball today! I really wish I could have just stayed in California.
I'm the proud owner of a Gibson J45 guitar. Chris hasn't been sick for three months! I stayed because I was too scared to leave with Chris and too scared to leave him behind.

Finally graduated from college, finally!

 they said I'd be safer in a shelter for awhile like I'd
do that

 I feel so bad for him he finally told me what was
bothering him it's because he feels left out! He had a horrible childhood and all these toxic memories makes him scared and anxious!
Josh is going to have a little brother or sister! I don't think he's even trying to find a job.
I got laid off but it's ok for now because the baby's due in two weeks and he thinks he'll find some work anyway, he's been looking for a year now! Got back here and all the pipes are broken and the front door was wide open and even the refrigerator is gone.

he's suing me for child support.

I guess he's right, I'm not really cut out for motherhood.

 Josh started walking today! Pumping gas at Texaco but at least I'll save the house.
I can't believe it I got a story published! Sold my guitar today but everything will be okay once he finds a job. I'm a stagehand! Am I lucky or what?
I can't believe I have the cutest little baby. slept at geiser pollman park reality check: he's never held a job for more than six months.
all I want to do is read books I guess that makes me lazy. everything is perfect except I don't have a boyfriend but I don't want one and I wish everybody else wouldn't care about it so much like I'm a freak or something. taking classes at portland community college
I feel so bad for him he finally told me what was bothering him it's because he can't have kids! He had a horrible accident on a job and all these chemicals spilled on him! That's terrible! I love being a student! GO DUCKS!

 fucker sold the maytags my parents bought me, says he's going to be a painter for real and nobody and no job's going to stop him.
  Got my first real writer job and it pays too!  
I can't believe I have the cutest little baby. well, he went to jail so maybe that's a wakeup call. Got another story published!
going through stuff in the basement I found four birthday cards from my parents and a letter I wrote to Erin that I guess he took out of the mailbox. my divorce is finally final. Josh got his driver's license!
Goose Creek Nursery is officially open for business! If I can just make it until Chris is old enough.  
Both boys are in school, yeah! Now I can really be a writer! I got to work with will vinton on a no nukes project! came home from the grocery store and josh was by himself and he said he'd taken chris so he could have some quality time with his real son.
Got my tax refund today and Josh and I went out to dinner to celebrate! taking classes at mt hood community college Got a 4.0 AGAIN!
My life is so perfect I got in Ralph Salisbury's creative writing class slept in the park. there's no excuse for this and I know it, but if I don't leave the house he won't calm down. Josh is getting married.
slept at Wilshire Park.
well, he left.
I'm getting married. Everything will probably be just fine. he said the only reason I'm so suspicious of him is because I must be doing it myself.
Chris is getting married. he says he thinks he's getting it together and he's found a guy to work with that understands him and now he can build us a house. one of these days I'm going to leave this SOB in the dust.
the baby is so sick it's been months and months So sad. My boy's going to boot camp tomorrow. I don't know what happened but I'm pregnant
Josh is doing pretty good at his preschool now he doesn't cry when I leave anymore. he said I'm nuts to not have left him sooner.

got a letter, he says, how will you resolve this, abandoning your child who at least now knows the truth about his mother.

he yelled and yelled all night so I said I wouldn't go to graduate school after all to shut him up.

 my arm hurts really bad it's probably broken
I don't know how I'm going to make the rent now, he got laid off today. Josh and I went to the beach all by ourselves!  
9-11-01 where's josh? okinawa? where's josh? I know better than this. This is wrong. I feel so bad for him he finally told me what was bothering him it's because he's never been happy living here and he just needs to move away for awhile.
I got over $3,000 so far selling my antiques and stuff but it's not bad because I have to get him and chris a place to live at least and chris needs a warmer coat. Chris finally called! He doesn't sound mad anymore!  
chris has pnemonia again and that's the seventh time this year. I feel so bad for him he finally told me what was bothering him it's because I have so many friends and he doesn't have any!  
who am I kidding I'm terrified. sometimes I'm so lonely it makes my stomach hurt but Josh is a really good boy. last night he showed up late and said he's taking chris with him to boise because chris needs to help him finish a job but chris needs to be in school.
I'm getting married. I can't believe I'm doing this why am I doing this? got Goose Creek opened back up. It's on an honor system though while I'm at work at Texaco; customers just have to serve themselves and leave checks in the mailbox! fixed Josh's bedroom up - no more crib, he's a big boy now!
Chris learned to ride a bike! He's the nicest boy. forgot to unplug the phone last night and naturally it rang and naturally no one "was there." I'm exhausted.
Student housing is cheap but it's wearing me out trying to keep him quiet all the time and not make a scene. went and saw Steve Earle and the Dukes. I think there might be hope after all, I won't be this sad forever.
taking classes at Portland State. Student housing! At least I can afford to finish school now though.  
why am I doing this? even if I get this house fixed back up enough to sell, he's right, I should have let the bank have it. I was lying when I said I'd give up graduate school.
his depression is getting worse. it's not in the predictable cycles anymore, it changes every day and it's more serious than I want to admit. now he wants to move again because he says that's why he can't find enough work because of the nepotism here. this friend of his named Duncan showed up and I guess he's going to live with us in the camper outside but it's just one more thing. He's a writer.
got home to an empty house; everything's gone, everything! I wonder if he has it in storage somewhere and I can still get it back? why am I kidding myself? I'll never get out of here. well, we left. Chris said that was it, he couldn't take it anymore.
I hate leaving Portland but he says the city is what's making him crazy all the time and he's more used to the country so I have to try at least. now he says we should just give the house over to the bank because it's too much pressure and he's moving back to Eugene. Josh is getting out of the marines early and coming home because his knee is messed up. Thank God he doesn't have to go to Afghanastan.
Maybe I'm crazy but I swear I saw him down the hallway from my classroom but why would he be there.   Chris is walking!
my dad gave him a job so I hope it works out. Got a grant to teach guitar at the junior high after school so that helps a little bit.  
  4.0 GPA!
took Tasha up to the lake after work to cool off. I didn't start crying until I remembered Chris having his birthday party up there. Why am I staying here? I didn't go to Chris' wedding and he's freaking out mad and I tried and tried to figure out how to go and not be scared but I couldn't manage it. made $800 working the opera!
when I got up I found him out in the garage smoking pot like we have money for that and I can't believe he even smokes pot anyway. I don't know how I'm going to keep managing this by myself, he just wants me to give up the house so he won't help with the bills so that I'll be forced to.
now he's moving again. to boise.   he's really nice to Josh he calls him the little boy.
slept at Normandale Park. it seems to me he's not depressed he's nuts. I really don't think I'm that bad of a mother, I think I can be a writer too because there's other women that have done it.
He called and said he'll give me one more chance to salvage my relationship with Chris or else he'll make sure Chris knows the truth about me. I finally went over to boise and chris can't live like that they're in a camper and it's freezing and chris shot a nail in his foot and hasn't been to the doctor yet. Gave Lucy away so I guess I'm really leaving now. I don't think I've ever been more sad but I'm sure I have.
   
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